Thursday morning, 8am.\u00a0 The day started ok, except\u00a0I couldn’t use the sink in the kitchen as I was waiting for a plumber to deal with yet another flood caused by turning on the tap.<\/p>\n
8:30 Baby\u00a0screams for food.\u00a0 Feed Baby.\u00a0 Jojo decides to pick this moment to clamber on table and investigate the fruit bowl and silverware.\u00a0 Manage to pick him up by scruff of neck and drag them both over to the sofa.<\/p>\n
[Cleaner arrives, ENTERS STAGE LEFT]<\/p>\n
Finds me sitting on couch feeding one and reading to the other.\u00a0 Laughs sympathetically, starts cleaning, (mercifully without any drama this week).<\/p>\n
[ENTER PLUMBER. FOLLOWED BY\u00a0SCRUFFY LOOKING\u00a0ASSISTANT]<\/p>\n
Plumber:\u00a0 Boker Tov<\/p>\n
Me: [is it?] Boker Tov<\/p>\n
Plumber [VOICE SOMEWHAT MUFFLED FROM UNDER THE SINK] Looks as if your hose has blown again.<\/p>\n
Me: Ok, [WHILST PLACATING 2 CHILDREN] Ok thats great but this is the 3rd time but perhaps this is an inherent problem with the house, not the hose? [I am making out as if I know how to say “inherent” in ivrit, I actually have no idea, and probably made no sense whatsoever]<\/p>\n
Plumber: Ok, well\u00a0I can check the problem out, you are probably right, but it could get expensive.\u00a0 Have you spoken to your landlady yet about payment? You really shouldnt be paying for all this\u00a0(bless his cotton socks, he is really helpful about this stuff, has already given me a quick lesson in Managing Difficult Israelis)<\/p>\n
Me: No, she will whinge and then she wont pay.\u00a0 Not worth the bother.<\/p>\n
[MAKES FONE CALL TO LANDLADY, PASSES FONE TO PLUMBER.\u00a0 HE EXPLAINS ISSUE THEN HANDS FONE BACK TO ME]<\/p>\n
Landlady:\u00a0 Ok, well\u00a0I have no choice.\u00a0 I dont understand all zeze problemz.\u00a0 When\u00a0I live there it was ok. I not understand wat is going on.<\/p>\n
Me: Great,\u00a0I understand that, (what does she think we are doing to her house for christs sake??) but now there are problems and they need to be dealt with.\u00a0 Its not just this, we have a Cheder Maamad (safety room in case of war)\u00a0with a\u00a0window that\u00a0doesnt close, if there is a war, what are we supposed to do?<\/p>\n
Landlady:\u00a0 (conveniently sidesteps the window issue)\u00a0 Ok, I will pay for\u00a0ze water\u00a0checks.<\/p>\n
Plumber: I will check the water pressure.\u00a0 Dont use the sinks\/toilet.<\/p>\n
Half an hour later…<\/p>\n
Plumber: Ok, it is the water pressure, I can\u00a0fix this but will be expensive.<\/p>\n
Me: [CALLS LANDLADY]<\/p>\n
Landlady: Ok, well I ‘ave no choice as you have called someone in (well of course <\/em>I did it was the third flood since we got here!!!) I will pay for zis but\u00a0I am not paying for anything else.<\/p>\n Me: (WTF??? Haven’t you ever heard of a contract??) Ok, er thanks for your, er,\u00a0help, must go, my children need me.<\/p>\n Seconds later, Fone rings.<\/p>\n VegMan:\u00a0 Hello! This is your friendly Vegetable Delivery Man.\u00a0 Where is your house?<\/p>\n Me: Depends where you coming from.\u00a0 Second kikar, straight over.<\/p>\n Veg Man: ok, so I am here, is this ok?<\/p>\n Me: I am not sure where you are, but go to the kikar with the well in the middle of it, and you will be close.<\/p>\n Meaniwhile, Baby screams for food, Jojo now experimenting with water, causing another flood in the garden.<\/p>\n 5 minutes later.\u00a0 Fone rings again.<\/p>\n Vegman: So is it left or right at the kikar?<\/p>\n Me: er, straight over, look I am not sure where you are but ask for kikar hagai.<\/p>\n 5 minutes later, fone rings again.<\/p>\n Vegman: I cant find your house is this it??<\/p>\n Me: Look, for\u00a0christs sake\u00a0please ask someone in the street.\u00a0 Its hard to give directions in hebrew and\u00a0I have no idea where you are, plus I have no available hands to hold this fone!<\/p>\n 5 minutes later<\/p>\n Nice friendly Vegman turns up (feel bad\u00a0I wasnt nice to him, he seems nice).<\/p>\n Friendly Vegman offers to put dairy items in fridge, shakes hand with Jojo,\u00a0who is\u00a0now almost entirely covered in mud.<\/p>\n [VEGMAN EXITS STAGE LEFT]<\/p>\n 5 minutes later, I hear my name being screamed from the street.<\/p>\n (its the plumber asking if he can turn the water off)<\/p>\n 5 minutes later, a rumbling outside, large lorry pulls up.<\/p>\n [ENTER IKEA DELIVERY MEN < STAGE LEFT > THREE BURLY ARAB BLOKES]<\/p>\n [Jojo starts crying hysterically at the sight of them.\u00a0 Must be ready for a nap. Which he cant have just yet.]<\/p>\n Delivery Bloke: So where do you want the boxes?<\/p>\n Me: (Whilst holding 2 children) er, upstairs.<\/p>\n 5 minutes later.<\/p>\n [A LOUD SMASH CAN BE HEARD FROM BEHIND THE WINGS]<\/p>\n (Oh god no not the lamp on the stairs.\u00a0 Its the one thing the landlady left, I think she wanted us to smash it. Husband usually removes it if anything has to be shlepped upstairs.\u00a0 Shit.)<\/p>\n My arab cleaning lady starts chatting to the blokes whilst she kindly sweeps up the broken glass before my barefoot son treads on it.\u00a0 No idea what she is saying but I think she might <\/em>be calling them morons for smashing it.<\/p>\n 20 minutes later.<\/p>\n Delivery Man: You need to sign to say you got 18 boxes, so please come and count them.<\/p>\n Me (whilst feeding baby and reading to Jojo): Er, bit of a problem.\u00a0 Can’t really move right now.<\/p>\n Nice Delivery Man says to Moody Delivery Man:\u00a0 See, she is feeding her baby, we need to wait a few minutes.<\/p>\n 5 minutes later, having counted the boxes (and taken opportunity to take Jojo to his cot)<\/p>\n Me; Ok, I will sign for the boxes.\u00a0 But what about the broken lamp?<\/p>\n Delivery Man: [pretending not to hear\/understand me]\u00a0Plez to sign. Plez.<\/p>\n Me: Ok,\u00a0but who will pay for the lamp?<\/p>\n Delivery Man: see you can write here<\/p>\n (he obviously thinks i cant write in hebrew, unfortunately for him i can.)<\/p>\n [EXIT BURLY ARAB BLOKES (have common sense not to ask for a tip after the lamp incident)]<\/p>\n [ENTER HUSBAND] to find 2 happily sleeping children, house clean, calm and no signs of a flood:\u00a0 What’s the problem? Everything seems fine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Thursday morning at home in Karmiel, plumber comes to fix flood in kitchen, baby screaming and Jojo clambering onto table. Cleaner arrives. Plumber argues with landlady on fone. Jojo causing a new flood in the garden. Organic vegman calls 3 times for directions while I hold both kids. Arab IKEA delivery men arrive Jojo cries hysterically. Delivery men smash light. Husband arrives home to children sleeping and calm!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8889,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3,32,36,33,19,34,31,35],"class_list":["post-413","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-aliyah","tag-aliyah-2","tag-cleaner","tag-delivery","tag-israelis","tag-karmiel","tag-landlady","tag-plumber","tag-vegetable"],"yoast_head":"\n