There’s a rat in my kitchen what am I gonna do??

Husband finally saw it. Came running out of the kitchen waving his arms and shrieking and Then I Knew. My worst suspicions confirmed. For weeks I have been trying to ignore The Signs. Rustlings. [well, perhaps its just the hamsters, or more recently Hamster. As Thing 2 is no longer with us]. Strange sounds when I enter the kitchen [just the building works nextdoor]. Parties in our loft at night [some sweet pigeons or owls perhaps]. Then the incident of the crumbling olive oil lid [down the pan – 1 thankfully nearly empty – tin of organic olive oil] and then today small brown THINGS in my kitchen [dried up banana or rice perhaps?] and little black THINGS in JOJOS BED!!! ok so maybe its a tiny little innocent field mouse…. I can just about live with that so I call the landlord and he promises to call pest control and offers me a trap meanwhile. “I can’t use a trap” – I tell him, thinking of a butchered mouse on a piece of wood. I don’t want to see it! I want him to eat some poison and go somewhere else to die. Far away from here thank you very much.

Then tonight Husband enters the quiet kitchen after kiddy bedtime and saw the bugger. Almost a foot long. Grey. Jumping down FROM MY FRUIT BOWL. Oh dear god.

Why do these things only happen to us???

HUsband posted our plight on facebook and all anyone cares about is the F*cking rat. I mean who cares? We are kind to animals. When I rescue friends from spiders, I fling them outside. We have a dog and a hamster who we are very kind to. I refrain from shechting the local cats, and believe me its tempting. But this is not some cute innocent mammal. This is a RAT! They brought BUBONIC PLAGUE into Europe! To all those who posted on facebook that we should use a humane trap, we will be sending you are findings in the post. Enjoy.

Earlier I reminded our landlord that we had uninvited guests living in our loft [no idea what they are, but presumably something small and furry] and last night Husband spent the evening cleaning out our sink cupboard in the kitchen. He even tried lighting a little fire near the holes in the wall in an attempt to smoke the bugger out. Anyway just before this incident, when I thought our furry friend was a sweet little mouse, Landlord presented us with a special humane trap, the rat goes in eats the [bloody expensive parmesan] cheese and the door closes. Voila. OK, I can agree to that.

I just called him, in hysterics, to let him know that the creature is not a mouse, but in fact a hideously big rat and he has to help us NOW and he laughed at me and said we could leave it outside and he would dispose of it. [Since he is a builder out in the sticks, I imagine he has to deal with all manner of wildlife….] More concerningly, WHY DOES HE HAVE SUCH AN ENORMOUS TRAP TO HAND????

Remember Fawlty Towers?
“Rat Anyone?”

Meanwhile, here we are. Sitting, trapped in our bedroom. Scared to make a sound in case we scare it off. It’s like living a real episode of Tom & Jerry. I have already told Husband he is not aloud to go to work and leave me alone with the bloody thing. Absolutely not. Meanwhile my sympathies are with Thing 1 [our 1 remaining living hamster] who probably has to suffer all manner of taunts and teasing from said rat running past its cage “Ha ha! look at you! Trapped in a little box living off corn and lettuce! I get to eat whatever I want!”

Husband and I keep making rat faces at each other in an attempt to lighten the tense atmosphere.

The rat is not coming. Does it know that we have put out a trap??? Can it sense the change?

Or as I said to Husband;

Maybe it smells a rat.