On the role of Grandparents
If you ask somebody of about my age, married, with little kiddies, what is holding them back from Aliyah, one of the reasons they will most likely give is the lack of family. What they really mean is, the lack of hands-on HELP from grandparents! Raising small children without support from the older generation is definitely more of a challenge. Unless of course, you are happy to dump your kids on any old babysitter and nip out for the evening. (Husband and I don’t fall into this latter category, so I can pretty much count on one hand the number of dates we have had since we made aliyah over 3 years ago!) Aside from this, there aren’t so many people who are willing and able to babysit 3 small children, even sleeping ones.
This has got me thinking about what role grandparents play, and why it is that we need them. Of course they are handy babysitters if we want to nip out and get a haircut (only had 2 since aliyah – both of which involved chopping off a long plait which I donated to Zichron Menachem), useful if we want to go out with our spouse (and not have the baby crying in the arms of stranger) and I have even heard of grandparents who agree to sleepovers where they happily do morning shifts and the parents get to – wait for it – SLEEP IN. This sounds amazing, though totally useless to me since I long ago lost the ability to sleep past 6:00am. But in any case it sounds wonderful… reading in bed, anyone???
But in more meaningful terms, why are Grandparents so important?
I have always thought that really good grandparents often fill the role that parents would like to do, but for some reason or another just cant do it. Perhaps the time is a bit more fraught – we cannot focus on them in entirely the same way as we have housework duties. Perhaps we just find it harder to slow down and enjoy the moment – we have so much buzzing in our lives. There are more distractions. A living to earn and a house to keep. A grandparent with limited movement/energy is far more likely to sit and read a book or have an intense conversation with a 4 year old. By the same token I find that the best moments I have with my kids are often if I am unwell, because it forces me to sit down and stop thinking about what else I need to do that moment.
Then there is the ability to LISTEN. Really LISTEN to a child. This is a skill I am always trying to improve. To sit down, wipe my hands on my apron if need be and FOCUS on the what the child is saying. But this is only stage 1. Stage 2 involves the ability to respond to them as people. Without any patronising language. Yes, grandparents often say outdated mildly irritating parenting terms such as “good boy” (those of us who favour the Attachment Parenting approach will tend to steer clear of such words, fearing possible manipulation, or the old chestnut – “Positive Reinforcement”) but to put things in perspective, its just semantics. I have witnessed many a grandparent who talks to a grandchild in the same way as they would talk to an adult. Listening and responding to even the most fantastical stories with interest and even analysis. And why not? Children are just small people. (In fact people often tell me that my children speak in a very mature manner for their age. I like to think it’s because I have always tried to talk to them as adults, since middle infancy. But of course, they may have been born that way).
Grandparents often have a unique ability to love unconditionally. Grand-daughter not doing well at school? “Bless, her, she loves to shop!” Grandson can’t settle down? “He is just so popular with the ladies! (chortle) “Grand-daughter marries what parents might consider an unsuitable young man? “Such a headstrong girl!” They will always regard the child in a positive light. They will always encourage. Their view is more “Big Picture” rather than limited by short-term worries such as “But he keep’s getting low marks at school”. Their regular stories of “In my day….” are sufficiently long ago to be inspiring, without being too pushy.
My own grandparents died when I was a little girl, and I never knew my paternal grandparents, so I tended to adopt other people’s. I had a lovely lovely great aunt and uncle who used to come and stay with us for pesach, and other chagim. They were very intelligent, bought fun gifts and were absolutely great fun. A three day yom-tov stuck in a house slightly-off-the-beaten-ghetto track with only adults to play with can drag on a bit but this great aunt happily sat and played board games with me when I was small, and one shavuot, when I should have been sitting a biology A -level, she spent about FOUR HOURS testing me on my revision notes in the back garden. She was an ex-school teacher and had tremendous patience. When she passed away, around 12 years ago, I felt as if I had lost a grandparent. I also adopted several grandparents when I worked at Jewish Care, and our first house when I was a newlywed was a maisonette – our downstairs neighbours were about 90 years old and very sweet, so I adopted them too.
Not long after I was married, I had a birthday and a beautiful card, handmade by Husband’s grandmother arrived in the post. I opened the card and dropped a £20 note dropped out.
“What’s this?” I asked Husband.
“It’s a £20 note. Your annual birthday gift. You’re considered a grandchild now so you get one too.”
“Seriously?” I asked, grinning from ear to ear. “For me?”
“Yep.” Husband informed me casually. “That’s what grandparents do.”
I had no idea. The last monetary gift I had received from a grandparents was the post office account my Zaidie opened when I was 7. He put £7 in it. (I still have it set aside for a rainy day, its on to 3 figures now – thank you Zaidie). Still, this was unexpected. What on earth would I spend it on? Just for me??!! Something girly, and totally unnecessary, definitely… Grandma passed away last year but Grandpa still remembers our birthdays and anniversaries. Although he doesn’t have her gift with handmade cards, he is fabulous with gifts for our boys!
A good grandparent will remember your special days, even if nobody else does. And they always manage to make you feel special. A lady once called me who had read a letter I wrote on the JPost not long after I made aliyah. She liked what I had written about being a SAHM [stay at home mum]. “I have over a 100 grandchildren”, she told me proudly (or was it great-grandchildren?), “and I remember all of their birthdays”.
When I was little there were lots of stories around of genies and the like, where the heroes were offered 3 wishes. I always used to say, the first thing I would wish for is to spend some time with my grandparents. Including the 2 I never met. 25 years later and that is still the case. I would love to interview them. But since no genie’s seem to visit Eshchar very often, here is my (more realistic) wish. It’s also my Rosh Hashana resolution.
“I wish to be a better parent to my children this year. To be more like a grandparent. To listen, accept, appreciate and encourage them. And to enjoy the precious time I have with them”
This blog post is dedicated to the memory of Anne Samson z”l. A truly magnificent, kind lady. And a very popular grandmother.