On Kindness and Israelis

I was brought up in a community where a certain degree of etiquette was part of life. If someone invites you for a meal, you invite them back. Giving money to charities was normal, as was attending a few events. People offered to make sheva brachot, even if it meant digging up friends for a couple who might have been from another part of the world. Volunteering for The Cause – through raising money or doing things was also expected, to an extent. I vaguely remember my mother dashing off to charity events and volunteering to do things that nobody else wanted to do, such as working with the chevra kadisha [taking care of the dead] and visiting old people. This was a special “thing” of hers. Visiting lonely people. I have many memories of vising elderly people who lived in depressing housing scenarios, usually alone. It wasn’t the most exciting way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but it is now ingrained in me to spend time with old people. I have always thought the most powerful educational tool a parent can have is to lead by example, and so the one mitzvah that I have always done without even thinking, is visiting lonely people. When we made aliyah, we left behind an elderly couple, who had for nearly 5 years been our neighbours, and I found it hard to imagine not visiting them anymore.

Israelis, or at least the ones on my yishuv anyway [I can’t speak for the country, we are only 150 families on this hilltop] have such kindness ingrained in their psyche. Like I mentioned above, they can’t imagine any other way. In the same way that I mentioned above, they perform kindness without even thinking about it. What is it that makes this culture? Are Israelis naturally “kind”? Or are they just brought up in the spirit of this to the point where its passed on through generations?

I am not sure. But one observation that I have made, really highlights the difference in culture here. Being around anglos [no, not all, this is not a sweeping generalisation, just a comparison of 2 worlds] I sometimes felt that kindness was regarded as a form of weakness. If you do something for another person, that involves giving up your time, then you care too much. If you inconvenience yourself for another, then perhaps you have too much time on your hands? If you think to offer help and consider it might be rebuffed, perhaps it’s better not too offer? If you see 2 nice single people that might actually make a good shidduch, if only somebody took the time to get them together, does that perhaps make you a bit sad or pushy? I am not for one minute saying all anglos are like this. I am just pointing out that I felt these vibes on more than one occasion, but I have never felt them here. Kindness, giving up time, is just assumed.

Let me give you a few examples of the kindness we have experienced over the past few months. I will let you be the judge of whether this is above what can be expected of people, or just “normal” [whatever that means].

A few months back, just at the point in my pregnancy when I started to get a bit “heavy” I suffered a random swollen knee. I could barely walk and I couldn’t take care of the kids or even get anywhere. We advertised on the community forum for help, and within half an hour a pair of crutches appeared on my doorstep delivered by a teenager. An hour later somebody offered to take me and Roni to the kupat cholim [clinic] next morning, and another friend volunteered to take my older son to gan. Over the next few days/weeks [I forget] we had some meals and treats bought to us by people who we recognised, but didn’t really know so well. The knee healed, things looked up and things returned to normal. I made sure to cook meals for people who needed them, thinking once I had the baby it would be a while before I could manage that again!

Then wham! I get ill again. First the doctor thinks its pneumonia, then bronchitis. I have a sneaking suspicion it was whooping cough, since there has been a recent epidemic and I most likely had lowered immunity from taking antibios for my knee or whatever. And I can’t think why else I would have had 3-hour coughing fits. My kids both had pneumonia. Husband wasn’t so well either [we think it was the cold and damp in our freezing ex-house that did it, more on that later]. Suffice to say the ambient temperature of our salon [living room] was about 14 degrees most days. This time we found it hard to request help as we didnt know how infectious we were. Still, friends took Jojo to gan or offered to take them to the park. It was a hideous time but we got over it.

Then, in my weakened state I went into labour [early, as usual] and although I didnt need anyone to babysit whilst I was in labour I did need help afterwards. Neighbours came in with food every day. A friend organised a chart and we had – besides the random contributions – organised meals every day. Since we had to move house 5 days after I gave birth [don’t ever do this!] we had no gas hob for a while, and no fridge or freezer for a day or 2, no washing machine or dryer for several days [in the winter] and of course everything was a balagan. I sat in my nursing chair on a friday morning breastfeeding my newborn whilst droves of very kind men came into my house to pack and shlepp our stuff as I gave vague instructions whilst trying to preserve my modesty. Teenagers wanted to shlepp too. One very special friend bought her kids round and together they packaged up all my crockery and my pantry [anyone who know just how much random china I have acquired will realise what a mammoth task this was] The same friend went round and cleaned my new kitchen without even telling me. In the new house we had food and treats bought every day, friends offered to take my kids for playdates and volunteer men on the yeshuv helped my Husband to finish clearing the house over the following days – even carrying our entire machsan [shed] up the road without bothering to dismantle it!!! Others bought gifts for me and the baby. One friend checked on me almost daily and sent regular cake deliveries.

The day after we moved I had to go to hospital with some awful infection. I couldnt stay more than one night as they wouldn’t admit the baby [??!!] so I left with medications I could take at home and promised to “rest” [!] and see the doctor. So the community had to continue this kindness for several weeks. And they did. In fact it is only in the last few weeks that I have been anything like myself and able to help others. It has been a long few months, but I have now been reminded of one of the many reasons I made aliyah. Here kindness is certainly NOT a weakness, it is “normal”. Part of life. What you do. Wake up. Brush teeth. Get dressed. Help someone. Live life.

We recently went away for a few days to the city for a family wedding. Since its quite a long drive we decided to stay in telaviv and see some family visiting from chutz laaretz [outside of israel]. over half way there I realised I had forgotten our baby sling. We have no buggy. Therefore how was I going to be able to do anything? especially with Husband working whilst we were there, how would I even leave the house??? I had an old baby bjorn in the boot but i had never got along with it. It had no stomach strap and after just a few minutes I found it uncomfortable. Luckily a friend of mine went on the La leche forum, described my plight and within an hour I had several offers of slings from people living in and around tel aviv. Eventually we borrowed one off a nice girl called Sivan from Netanya.

I am not sure how many women in the UK would be so relaxed about lending their baby sling to a perfect stranger. I could have stolen it and not returned it! There is a definite sense here of people helping each other. There is no sense of The Rules. People are less interested in playing it cool, and more interested in just being helpful. Despite my moaning about Israelis and some of the madness of this culture, which never seems to sleep…. I am constantly thankful to be living in a society where it’s really quite ok to be kind. More than ok, it’s to be expected.