A Morning in The Life

Thursday morning, 8am.  The day started ok, except I couldn’t use the sink in the kitchen as I was waiting for a plumber to deal with yet another flood caused by turning on the tap.

8:30 Baby screams for food.  Feed Baby.  Jojo decides to pick this moment to clamber on table and investigate the fruit bowl and silverware.  Manage to pick him up by scruff of neck and drag them both over to the sofa.

[Cleaner arrives, ENTERS STAGE LEFT]

Finds me sitting on couch feeding one and reading to the other.  Laughs sympathetically, starts cleaning, (mercifully without any drama this week).

[ENTER PLUMBER. FOLLOWED BY SCRUFFY LOOKING ASSISTANT]

Plumber:  Boker Tov

Me: [is it?] Boker Tov

Plumber [VOICE SOMEWHAT MUFFLED FROM UNDER THE SINK] Looks as if your hose has blown again.

Me: Ok, [WHILST PLACATING 2 CHILDREN] Ok thats great but this is the 3rd time but perhaps this is an inherent problem with the house, not the hose? [I am making out as if I know how to say “inherent” in ivrit, I actually have no idea, and probably made no sense whatsoever]

Plumber: Ok, well I can check the problem out, you are probably right, but it could get expensive.  Have you spoken to your landlady yet about payment? You really shouldnt be paying for all this (bless his cotton socks, he is really helpful about this stuff, has already given me a quick lesson in Managing Difficult Israelis)

Me: No, she will whinge and then she wont pay.  Not worth the bother.

[MAKES FONE CALL TO LANDLADY, PASSES FONE TO PLUMBER.  HE EXPLAINS ISSUE THEN HANDS FONE BACK TO ME]

Landlady:  Ok, well I have no choice.  I dont understand all zeze problemz.  When I live there it was ok. I not understand wat is going on.

Me: Great, I understand that, (what does she think we are doing to her house for christs sake??) but now there are problems and they need to be dealt with.  Its not just this, we have a Cheder Maamad (safety room in case of war) with a window that doesnt close, if there is a war, what are we supposed to do?

Landlady:  (conveniently sidesteps the window issue)  Ok, I will pay for ze water checks.

Plumber: I will check the water pressure.  Dont use the sinks/toilet.

Half an hour later…

Plumber: Ok, it is the water pressure, I can fix this but will be expensive.

Me: [CALLS LANDLADY]

Landlady: Ok, well I ‘ave no choice as you have called someone in (well of course I did it was the third flood since we got here!!!) I will pay for zis but I am not paying for anything else.

Me: (WTF??? Haven’t you ever heard of a contract??) Ok, er thanks for your, er, help, must go, my children need me.

Seconds later, Fone rings.

VegMan:  Hello! This is your friendly Vegetable Delivery Man.  Where is your house?

Me: Depends where you coming from.  Second kikar, straight over.

Veg Man: ok, so I am here, is this ok?

Me: I am not sure where you are, but go to the kikar with the well in the middle of it, and you will be close.

Meaniwhile, Baby screams for food, Jojo now experimenting with water, causing another flood in the garden.

5 minutes later.  Fone rings again.

Vegman: So is it left or right at the kikar?

Me: er, straight over, look I am not sure where you are but ask for kikar hagai.

5 minutes later, fone rings again.

Vegman: I cant find your house is this it??

Me: Look, for christs sake please ask someone in the street.  Its hard to give directions in hebrew and I have no idea where you are, plus I have no available hands to hold this fone!

5 minutes later

Nice friendly Vegman turns up (feel bad I wasnt nice to him, he seems nice).

Friendly Vegman offers to put dairy items in fridge, shakes hand with Jojo, who is now almost entirely covered in mud.

[VEGMAN EXITS STAGE LEFT]

5 minutes later, I hear my name being screamed from the street.

(its the plumber asking if he can turn the water off)

5 minutes later, a rumbling outside, large lorry pulls up.

[ENTER IKEA DELIVERY MEN < STAGE LEFT > THREE BURLY ARAB BLOKES]

[Jojo starts crying hysterically at the sight of them.  Must be ready for a nap. Which he cant have just yet.]

Delivery Bloke: So where do you want the boxes?

Me: (Whilst holding 2 children) er, upstairs.

5 minutes later.

[A LOUD SMASH CAN BE HEARD FROM BEHIND THE WINGS]

(Oh god no not the lamp on the stairs.  Its the one thing the landlady left, I think she wanted us to smash it. Husband usually removes it if anything has to be shlepped upstairs.  Shit.)

My arab cleaning lady starts chatting to the blokes whilst she kindly sweeps up the broken glass before my barefoot son treads on it.  No idea what she is saying but I think she might be calling them morons for smashing it.

20 minutes later.

Delivery Man: You need to sign to say you got 18 boxes, so please come and count them.

Me (whilst feeding baby and reading to Jojo): Er, bit of a problem.  Can’t really move right now.

Nice Delivery Man says to Moody Delivery Man:  See, she is feeding her baby, we need to wait a few minutes.

5 minutes later, having counted the boxes (and taken opportunity to take Jojo to his cot)

Me; Ok, I will sign for the boxes.  But what about the broken lamp?

Delivery Man: [pretending not to hear/understand me] Plez to sign. Plez.

Me: Ok, but who will pay for the lamp?

Delivery Man: see you can write here

(he obviously thinks i cant write in hebrew, unfortunately for him i can.)

[EXIT BURLY ARAB BLOKES (have common sense not to ask for a tip after the lamp incident)]

[ENTER HUSBAND] to find 2 happily sleeping children, house clean, calm and no signs of a flood:  What’s the problem? Everything seems fine.